tigas-ulo

kaunti na lang ay maubusan na ako ng pasensya sa sarili ko. kaunti na lang masisipa ko na ang sarili ko sa pwet sa tigas ng ulo at kawalan ng disiplina sa sarili. nandiyan na, nandiyan na ang supercool na laptop na puno ng ultracool na stickers. nandiyan na, nandiyan na ang mga papeles na makakatulong sa paggawa ng kailangang gawin. nandiyan na lahat. pati utak. may mga daliri naman. sampung mga daliri, kamay at paa. ano pa ba ang kulang, ewan ko na.

HOY.

ilang araw na lang, matatapos na ang semestre. ilang araw na lang, sisipain na ako sa programang grad skul kung hindi ko ito matatapos. ilang araw na lang. hoy lauren, matakot ka na. wag nang tamad. nakakahiya.

buti kung nakikinig ako sa sarili kong payo, di ba?

1, 2, 3, 4 by Feist

one, two, three, four, tell me that you love me more. sleepless, long nights. 'sides what my use was for. oh, teenage hope, throw light at your door. left you with nothing, but they wanted more. oh, oh, oh, you're changing your heart. oh, oh, oh, you know who you are. sweetheart, bitter heart, now i can't tell you apart. cozy and cold, put the horse before the cart. those teenage hopes, through our tears and the lies. too scared to run off, to one little life. oh, oh, oh, you're changing your heart. oh, oh, oh, you know who you are. one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten. money can't buy you back the love that you had then. one, two, three, four, five, six, nine, and ten. money can't buy you back the love that you had then. oh, oh, oh, you're changing your heart. oh, oh, oh, you know who you are. oh, oh, oh, you're changing your heart. oh, oh, oh, you know who you are.

Here Comes The Rain Again

the more i have time on my hands, the more i don't have an excuse to finish off (actually, start) my papers. so what do i have to do? to remind myself, let me just write it down: 1) five papers for my INC in an anthro subject (ten pages each)--i have actually written down some tiny points for each paper; i'm just too effing lazy to take it seriously and WRITE. time passes by and i slowly forget what the topics were. so 2) reread the darn topics. 3) maybe watch Kubrador again for the third (or was it fourth?) paper. 4) research, research, research. i have a gun but no bullets. a camera with no film. a topic without related literature. again, my laziness. youngest MA (then of course, PhD) holder? good luck with that, then. am such a wimp. 5) i need three articles for saturday. i have to deconstruct at least one of them. how do i do that if the libraries are closed? if i can't access one through the Net without paying 25 dollars? if my mom is against giving credit card numbers online? if i don't even have my own credit card? if i am so depressingly broke? no offices mean no paycheck, and no paycheck means...

and what if the car breaks down again, starter all choked in floodwater?

gas runs out in the middle of traffic, in the middle of torrential rain?

i go hungry, and there's nothing in the dash except worn-out batteries?

munch. munch. munch. alkaline leaves such a bitter aftertaste.

ngayong umaga...

PINAGPULOT ako ng nanay ko ng maliit na ahas (or what's left of it), matapos niya itong tadtarin gamit ang isang butcher's knife.

kwento niya, nakita raw niya ang ahas (mga 14 inches siguro yun, nu'ng buhay pa) na bitbit-bitbit ni MJ (isa sa mga pusa namin). Kumikisay-kisay pa raw. Ayun, inagawan niya ng laruan ang pusa. Tadtad! Pagkatapos ang Commonwealth Chainsaw Massacre ay naghanap siya ng paso at tinakluban ang dead ahas. Kukuhanan ko sana ng picture kaso baka ma-censor tayo dito. Hahahahas.

kaya ayun, matapos niyang i-chop-chop ang snake, pinapulot niya sa akin. "mas matapang ka dito," sabi niya nu'ng una. akala ko naman paaakyatin ako sa bubong. matagal ko na kasing gustong gawin 'yun, di lang ako pinapayagan dahil isang palapag lang ang bahay namin. kung gusto ko raw magpakamatay, dapat sa 6 floors ako tumalon, minimum. hehe. jowk. so. tanong ko, "ano ba 'yun?" sabi ni mama, "nakapatay ako! nakapatay ko ng ahas!" (intro: music from nightmare on elm street) nag-flash sa isip ko 'yung Philippine python na nakita ko sa tv nu'ng isang linggo, 'yung pinakamalaki raw of its kind. ooooo, may ganu'n kami sa terrace? kaya siguro nawala sina latte (pusa) at goldameir victoria (pusa rin).

[for some reason i find my code-switching and code-mixing funny. feeling funny.]

balik sa snake. ang chaka. maliit lang siya, mas mataba pa nga ang hinliliit ko. pero noon lang ako nakahawak ng ahas. di pa nga todo, kasi kumuha pa ako ng tissue pampulot. tsaka supot na paglalagyan. tamang-tama, dadating mamaya ang basurero. pwede sigurong gawing keychain yun. o kaya headband.

so ayun. a snake and a nanay to the rescue. ganda ng umaga ko.

Lomomanila's grand EB (ear-breaking) night

...because none of my cameras (Holga & Actionsampler) had flash, i sacrificed a few hundred bucks to resurrect my Kodak Advantix cam. i might be able to post the photos tomorrow. or tuesday. or next week. blah. it was fun, great putting faces to the names, seeing the greats, the fellow newbies (we aren't so 'new' now, are we?)... lomo cams everywhere. the songs, the songs. the frenzied dancing. the noise. you know the feeling you get when, after a long hell week at work, you finally get to be with like-minded individuals and you just feel so...loved! lomo love!!! warm and cuddly all over. hahaha. effing corny. oh well. lomo on, i say, lomo on.

(Photo: Bobby, me & Tara, whom i haven't seen in six years. Saw each other again in Lomomanila, isn't that fantastic? Thanks to Glenni for the photo.)