scared

some work-related adjustments are opening up opportunities for me to write again, and i'm scared as sh*t.

as the few readers of this blog can surely see, i haven't posted anything in months. i meant to, it's not for lack of topics, but perhaps a lack of will. and confidence.

the kind of work that i do (i currently copy-edit stories for an online publication) requires me to be strict when it comes to factual accuracy and as much as possible, be perfect in all things grammar. i'm no grammar nazi. i make mistakes myself, and i think i've learned to just ignore the errors i see in other people's work, especially if writing isn't really part of their profession (i quietly judge them sometimes though, but usually just the ones who say they're reading this book and that, or watching this show and that, because hey if you're really an avid reader/viewer, you should have picked up proper english by now - snooty me).

i envy them sometimes - how they are able to come up with words to express themselves, tell the interwebz about their life without minding whether a particular piece conforms to ap style.

i've grown more conscious about word use, but in return i've lost confidence in my own writing style. i've come to believe that the way i write has not really improved. my working vocabulary is still the same, i haven't really incorporated new descriptive words. things are still pretty simple in this corner of the blogosphere.

i'm afraid to let loose, afraid i don't really have anything interesting to say.

i've been looking at writing prompts online to somehow get me started with writing again, but i find myself uninterested. or i begin to think, that's a long story, and i don't have the time patience to sit and write that down.

in january, a friend and i went for a day hike up mt. ulap, which is just around 40 minutes away from the city. he pitched the idea of a collaborative project about our little adventure: he would take photos, and i could write about the experience. it's july and i haven't really written a word. i have some phrases written down on a few sheets of paper - my impressions of the place, the things that interested me the most. but i couldn't do the colorful captions, the ones you usually read in travel sites describing a place.

that's nothing new for me, really. i've always struggled with the "show, don't tell" part of writing a narrative. i don't think i have the right verbal creativity needed for travel blog-worthy descriptions. or perhaps this is just me coming up with excuses. i've always wanted to write about the things i've done, the places i've visited, the stuff i've learned. but when i see all these other people already writing about the same stuff, i lose heart.

now i realize i'm forgetting the whole point.

writing, like sketching, is an activity that lots of other people may be doing, but you all come up with different outputs. one's experience is different from another's. there may be similarities (in subject and location), but the way you tell it - the way you express yourself through lines and words - is unique to you. your own perspective, and your own way of showing who you are.

i should really listen to myself more often.

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but that's when you're writing for yourself.

i'm scared about writing for something else. will i be able to pitch good story ideas? will i be able to pull a story off without sounding like a self-absorbed b*tch?

i guess i'll never really know unless i try (again).

wish me luck (and discipline)!