as mentioned in a previous post, the past few weeks had been a bit chaotic for me personally, making me lose my inner balance and taking me out and away from my comfort zone. my (inner, at-peace) self screamed out "intruders!!!" and i remembered one meditation lesson: when asked, you don't have to say "i'm okay" when you're really not. i had been saying "i'm okay" but i was really distracted and out of focus, and to be able to 'fix' that, i should first accept that something has bothered me before i re-align myself and recover. some pig out and guzzle up; some have talkathons with a friend while shopping; some go to prayer meetings and retreats; some go to the gym. i go and have my quiet meditation time.
last night, i pondered over why some things made me unhappy, why i felt like there was something 'not right', why i easily got disappointed. the quiet time did me good, and i got my answer: i had been making decisions--little ones and big ones--for all the wrong reasons, and sometimes without giving them much thought at all. for example, i expressed a lot of anger--it could have been avoided had i not decided to think as an angry person. i knew i was angry--and i even made it an excuse for all the hurtful stuff i said, which was wrong. and another: i became envious of what other people have (and will be given) and what i deserved but didn't have (or wasn't given), and that rotten feeling ate me up, leaving me unhappy and dissatisfied with the good things that i do have. plus, i always found something wrong with other people, and i became judgmental (and at some point, antisocial). during the emotional chaos i lost my zen-happy/glad to be alive/live and let live/'shrug it off' outlook somehow.
i know, i know: it's an old lesson that you always read about, get told about, and most probably already know by heart. but as i'm sure you also know, lessons are always best learned through experience. i guess for a while there i forgot to be thankful that i'm actually a very lucky person to have a roof over my head, a stable job, a family, a healthy body, hobbies that keep me busy, a small group of good friends, a menagerie of pets, and someone who knows me so well he keeps me in a hug even when i try to push him away.
so there. i'm getting back on track, and i'm learning to laugh at life again. plus i'm really not the depressive type, and i'm actually getting sick of myself being all emo. so enough of the introspective, melodramatic stuff. di ako sanay! :)